A Hard Lesson | A New Season Begins

---

---

INTRO

This world is a complicated place and people may not treat you well for many reasons. Insecurities, past trauma, worries, anxiety, fear, inner-demons, idols, and more can all play a part. While these things are unavoidable, owning up to them and working to clear the air is something everyone can do. Those that gave their lives to Jesus Christ each have a book in Heaven about their life, and it will be reviewed in their Life Review. The things not addressed will be in there for eternity, however, the book can be edited with true confession, repentance, and forgiveness.

Life reviews are a common subject in the NDE community, and Howard’s review almost exclusively emphasized his relationships with other people. Whether it’s family or friends, “all that God cares about is how we interact with other people.”
When Jesus pulled him back from death, Howard asked, “What do you want me to do?” The answer was simple: “Love the person that you’re with.”

“All that matters is that you try,” Howard says. Success is kindness—not money, cars, or clothes. “If you focus on love, the other stuff falls into place.”

COOL THINGS

Today was my last day working at my current job, been there 3.5 years but the Lord told me it was time to go. They offered me a fantastic offer to stay but there was no spark in me about it. I knew it was not the way and continued with my resignation to pursue my dreams and goals. The new things I will be working on add a smile to my face and a spark to my heart so I knew it was the right decision.

I gave my answer on Sunday and afterwards I went grocery shopping and picked up some strawberry cheese strudel bites. I ate one in the car before heading home and when I got home to put the rest away I noticed the container was full!

I thought maybe there was one extra but tried to replicate it and there is no way an extra one could’ve fit in the container. This was the first time I have experienced the Lord supernaturally providing food for me, it was a little nudge that I made the right decision and to trust the Lord for His provision in this next season. I also saw a license plate that said “ITLBEOK” leaving the grocery store, another nudge. I also had a stray cat at my door window and got to play with a cat for a couple hours after internally wishing I had a cat after watching videos.

When you have eyes to see, the Lord will do little things like this in your life, give thanks when you notice them.

HONEYPOT CONFESSION

In a previous post titled Be Watchful of Masquerade Spirits, I talked about creating a Honeypot of personal life details to catch people spreading information and to watch reactions of certain individuals that you may be suspicious of. So in the post titled I Can’t Stop Smiling | YWAM DTS WK 6 Points, I talked about my new girlfriend Kayla and well, Kayla does not actually exist! That’s the only fake part.

So did the Honeypot reveal anything? To my surprise it did a bit, after posting I noticed changes in my energy, thoughts, dreams, spiritual warfare, and subtle changes from certain people. This confirmed to me that there are people watching and monitoring, haters, secret admirers, bored people, you name it.

One secret admirer I believe has been viewing my blog and probably has for quite some time, this is a female and she let me know in a very indirect way about 3 times, but also in a way that I found to be kind of weird. I don’t like to use the Honeypot method unless necessary but sometimes people need to get a taste of their own medicine and I am not one to mess around with.

A HARD LESSON

This secret admirer is a girl that I had a very strong crush on and I felt I saw signs from her of interest years ago and tried to befriend her first before making any attempts at pursuing anything further. I am someone that needs to know key details before any dating can occur, however she didn’t let me in.

In-fact, she did a 180 on me and went from friendly to disrespectful. I reached out to her on Facebook to meet at Church and got left on read, she couldn’t even do the bare minimum and reply. I took that as not interested and not wanting to say it and obviously I wasn’t going to be bothersome so I didn’t follow-up. I will say a Christian should be more direct than that but it’s whatever in today’s world. I would feel terrible if I did that to someone, so that was a red flag.

Then about a year later my Church campus closed, so I had to go to the other one where she attends. This girl was still on my heart so I wondered if I would see her again which I did. I felt I got more signs of interest from her but didn’t want to be tricked or manipulated, so again I tried to befriend her first and she was again not letting me in.

Then August 5th, 2018, I decided I was going to tell her I had feelings and was going to ask her out after Church service. I saw she was sitting alone upfront and figured it was the perfect opportunity. I greeted her and sat by her, then as the ending was approaching I noticed she was slightly crying or tearing up and then instead of talking and saying goodbye like a normal person she bolted off to talk to some other guy while looking at me with piercing eyes like I ran over a dog, which was again disrespectful to me and I was very confused. I suspect it was perhaps something I said on Facebook or perhaps she was angry that I invaded her space if she was having a hard time with something.

Anyway, after that I decided to send a message about my feelings over Facebook because it would’ve been too awkward to approach in-person again. Obviously that’s the worst way to do it but I wanted to get it done. She said she was not interested in being anything more than friends and I said, “Understood, and thank you”. I said thanks because she at least replied.

That should’ve been where it ended but it didn’t. She gave more signs of interest, however, could’ve been tricks so I didn’t ask her out. One time in Children’s Ministry that we both volunteered in she stood in-front of me like I should talk to her, and that irritated me, and I just crossed my arms and didn’t say anything. She looked back at me just looking at her with a straight-face emoji look and her face got pitch red! I’ve never seen someone’s face get that red before. I thought it was cute despite my irritation.

She rejected me, the ball is no longer in my court, words trump body language, it was all in her court and expecting me to be a doormat and continue to be disrespected is not what I am about. There’s many more things, like her friend inviting me to a Church event, sledding in the dark, in the woods, in the freezing winter, then not talking to me in the carpool and ditching me once we got there, most awkward carpool of my life. I laugh about it now because if I did that to a girl I would feel so shitty, and she did it like it was a fun skit for a TV show. No apology either.

Then even in 2021, I came back from YWAM, and she started parking next to my car at Church, yes I noticed, and even stood right in front of me like I should talk to her again. I should’ve done so but after being stabbed in the back multiple times over the years, trying to move on thinking I was bamboozled for no good reason, there was no feeling when I saw her, no spark, no joy, no wanting to catch-up, it was just awkward and sad and I couldn’t approach in that energy, and she just walked away after like 5 seconds. I have no idea what I would have even opened with, “Sup?”.

She is a teacher but I was the one teaching her a lesson I feel. When you disrespect someone, treat them poorly, don’t communicate, reject them, it’s up to YOU to come clean and address it if you want to undo it. It’s not up to the one with 7 daggers sticking out of their back that YOU inflicted.

FORWARD THINKING

Now here is where it all comes together. You see, here I was a Christian guy, avoided drugs, drinking, partying, and sleeping around all my life. I am multitalented, pouring into others, I am trying to follow God and do His work, and this girl I ended up liking that I went to Panama with, who should’ve been a light in my life, treated me probably worse than any other woman has treated me before in my life, and for no reason.

That’s not something she will want Jesus to review in her Life Review in-front of Him and her team of guardian angels that had such high hopes for her. Being kind to others is the test, not being difficult and manipulative, this is not hard to understand. You will get to see all the trickle-down effects of your actions intentional or not. So this is a very sad situation, but I will get rewarded for choosing to rise above it. I’ve had dreams about it.

As for this woman I’ve already forgiven her, it’s clear she has been hurt in her past, there’s also some other stuff going on that I don’t know about. If there has been any lies spread about me that needs to be corrected ASAP, but she also needs to forgive herself and start talking about Jesus again. A heart of Grace, Gratitude, and Joy is not a temporary one, and it’s not a quiet one either, it desires to spread the source (Jesus Christ) wherever it goes.

Now, I believe this woman is someone who doesn’t like to rock the boat, cares a lot about her social status, acceptance, what her friends, coworkers, and family think and I don’t fit that mold. If you watch The Chosen, the intro shows fish swimming in the opposite direction, it’s turbulent, tough, hard, challenging. That’s the route I chose. If you’re not there, that’s OK, but I can’t be held back. I would not change myself to fit your comforts if the Lord is pushing me in a different direction. I am here to challenge the status quo and ultimately I believe that is why all of this happened. I was a bit too much in my ways which to me is just normal now. I can’t be tamed now, men are trying to breastfeed babies, I am pissed and I am not going to be quiet about this sick and crazy shit and anything else like it!

CHOICES

So, this secret admirer that I was crushing on, I am going to be bold here, but I decided to ask the Holy Spirit questions and these notes could be completely off but here it goes.

• This girl likes me a lot and is dating someone that she doesn’t truly love, she just doesn’t want to be alone.
• This girl still has her purity.
• This girl struggles with guilt about our situation.
• Had an abusive or toxic ex.

So those are details I feel I got confirmation on, could be wrong. So the question that this girl may wonder is, would I take her back if she decided to contact me? I can’t contact her due to her past actions, she put clear boundaries like removing me as a friend on Facebook, and blocking me as well, those were additional daggers not explained to me. It’s a tough one because I just can’t fathom how someone could like someone and treat them so badly, it just doesn’t make any sense at all. I feel like I would have to just to see if we could make it work and redeem the situation, it could go horribly wrong but everything has already went horribly wrong and I didn’t even do anything.

For me, I’ve been through this before with a girl I had a crush on in high school and tech college that I felt the Lord put on my heart. She also is a teacher now and I think she had a thing for me too but could never come to terms with it. I thought I would never get over her, then in the summer of 2016 I asked God to remove it and He did! I met this new girl and completely forgot about the previous one. The previous girl did a 180, turned anti-Trump, more worldly, and fell for many deceptions in society, however she motivated me to go to Church and was a pillar in my conversion. I was glad I didn’t end up with her but am thankful I met her and she will find out in Heaven. She came from a teacher family also and I think she let her family and friends influence her beliefs and got driven off the narrow path. I hope she is doing well!

So it appears history might be repeating itself. God won’t control people’s freewill, so all He does is put seeds or nudges in one’s mind, body, and spirit to bring them to a certain path or direction. If they don’t choose it, then that’s just how it is. So the Kingdom Spouse journey is not for the weak of heart, it’s a form of testing, and it’s one that you’re not to settle or compromise against. I am not saying this secret admirer is my Kingdom Spouse because that will only be determined after marriage. However, the process of getting there you need to act like you’re on the journey if it’s to be completed at all.

Living a messy life is not going to bring you together with your God-ordained partner, you have to be doing the work before, during, and after the process. The enemy will try everything to kill it, and maybe the enemy does succeed but then the new person God has in-mind can appear, just make sure that person is not a counterfeit. Think of how many people get divorced and married the wrong spouse that they said “until death do us part”, only for it to mean nothing at all! What makes the difference?

CONCLUSION

If I could go back in-time and prevent myself from ever going on that Panama trip I would do so because the fruit of going was not good, and ultimately whether I was there or not didn’t make a difference, the jobs still would’ve been completed without me. I decided to stick my neck out for Jesus and the enemy came in and used people to hurt me like usual. But I am stronger now, and life will go on, and now I can rest and get started on my favorite things. This completes the story of this secret admirer on this blog and the truth is out now about what happened. I didn’t want to say it all but I think the Lord wanted me to write it all out. Here is the music for this entry.